the iPhone rant

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Since the moment it was announced there are some in the house who are typically very level-headed and intelligent that have suddenly and unexpectedly turned into obsessive lunatics. I swear if I hear anything more about the iPhone, I'm going to snap big time.

If it's not the constant chatter about the phone, then it's the 80 gazillion posts on the iPhone forum. And when it's not that, then it's making a huge deal out of pointing out the lack of an iPhone and how it will help in everyday life. ARGH.

There are the moments of pulling the iPhone out of the pocket to look up a movie time. Then the iPhone is held sideways to show how one can view websites. Can't find your iPod? My iPhone will play the music! And just look at how I can use it to send mail! (while I'm driving down the freeway at 85mph). And wow! no need for that bulky digital camera any longer - my iPhone will take photos! Oooo... it's so pretty. It's so sexy. Sleek. I love it so....

And OMG!! LIke, I just discovered that it will dial out for pizza if your blood sugar gets too low AND it also plugs itself in when the battery is dying. :shock:

...cue meltdown of the spouse required to listen to this day and night for months on end...

I'd LOVE to get an iPhone. Just so I can immediately take it out into the driveway and run it over, smash it with a hammer, toss it into the pool for a quick dip and then flambe it over the super hot gas grill in the backyard. It's got one set of flames that runs super-nova hot - just PERFECT for this.

This thing is a hunk of overpriced junk - $600. Are you kidding me?! Is it a phone or a down-payment on a new house? I could purchase a nearly new iBook for that amount of money. And that doesn't even address the pathetic plans that AT&T has to offer. We're currently on Verizon because *every single* member of both of our families is using them. That makes 95% of our calls FREE. No charge. Zero money. But with AT&T, nothing like this. The plan we'd need to cover the number of minutes we'd be using is scary high. More than we pay now for 2 phones.

We also have a wireless broadband card that gets kickin' speeds in the major cities and pretty decent speeds even in the middle of Nowhere, UT. What does the iPhone have to offer? Wow! They are offering speeds that are HALF of what we can achieve in the cities and zippo zilch in Nowhere, UT. I'm such a fool - this is a GREAT deal and I should be all over it. What am I thinking?!

So, with our 2 lines and the card with Verizon, we'll have a very minor early termination fee. Just $175 per line. NO big deal. Let's add that to the $600+tax for the cost of the phone and the $99 monthly fee we'll need to make sure we'll have enough minutes and we're looking at a super duper cheap $2325 for the first year. Woot!

But wait - where does that leave me? I don't have a phone now. Hmm...guess I should start looking at AT&T's site for my own phone. Let's conservatively say that this will run me $100. Now we'll need a family plan, but not one with barely any minutes. I'm so NOT paying for overages. Looks like this is $120 mo. What's this make our total for the year? $2665. YES! Where do I sign up?!

Of course, we're in podunk Washington for the summer and AT&T doesn't get signal out here, so we'll not be able to use the phones or the internet. I guess I don't need to go to the lake and enjoy my summer with everyone else. I'll stay home where I'm guaranteed to have internet so I can work. The Verizon card works marvelously at the lake, but pooh on that. It's not an iPhone! Definitely having the iPhone is going to make all the sacrifice worthwhile.

We'd better look at insurance. $600 is a mighty hefty amount to have to replace when the phone is dropped into the toilet (don't ask). I wonder how much that is? And will it cover brief toilet sojourns?

Don't get me wrong - I'm a huge Apple fan, but this phone is just too much for me to handle. I'm considering having my eyes and ears surgically removed (ie: I'm going to gouge my eyes out with a cereal spoon and set off firecrackers in my ears) so I can no longer see or hear about this obsession. Of course that will only work if I don't then learn sign-language. I can guess what the first thing I'd be told is...

iPhone widows of the world... holy dog poo! How did I miss this?! AT&T is charging an activation fee as well! Bahahahaha. Wahaha. Amazement. It's not enough that the cost of the phone is like a sizeable car payment and the monthly fees are like being financially raped, now they are charging you just to activate the stupid thing. Honestly, I can't take much more.

Anyone want to take over our Verizon plan and phones? In this instance, I give in. This iPhone is a force I cannot fight against any longer.

I wonder how many relationships have been changed by this phone...