Cherry tree horror

Friday, June 29, 2007

A number of years ago, J and I rented our first home. We were quite excited. We'd been married just shy of 2 years and had lived in a variety of apartments and 4-plexes so it was a real thrill to move into our "first home." The fact that the entire house was less than 800 sq ft didn't bother us at all. It was billed as a 2 bedroom/1 bath, but in actuality was a 1.5 bedroom with a porch that'd been converted into a bathroom. Yes, this was an old house.

The half bedroom had no closet and was just large enough to hold our son's crib and a changing table. That's it. And with those in there, you had to squeeze by to get into the room and over to the crib. It was a bit claustrophobic for a hefty gal like myself. But I digress...

Regardless of the tiny size, the bathroom that had shower tiles falling onto the shower floor, and the fact that the kitchen had a prety decent slope to it (you could roll a melon from one side to the other w/out trying) - we loved the house. And I especially loved the huge cherry tree in the front yard.

We moved in just as spring was arriving and joy of joys, the cherry tree was in full bloom. My mouth watered in anticipation of the sweet, dark cherries that were surely forming amongst all those gorgeous flowers and I was heady with the prospect of FRESH cherry pie. Every day found me trekking to the front yard to stare in wonder as the flowers fell and the cherries began to form.

For 3 months I watched these cherries grow until finally, I began to think it was time to pick them. Not having experience with cherries I called my green-thumb mom over to have a look-see. She picked a few off and then told me that the following Saturday (6 days later), I should pick them. Oh, how my heart lept in joy! So what if it would be hours of back-breaking work! So what if I'm terrified of heights! So what that it'll take me all day long! I'll have fresh, hand picked (by yours truly!) cherries with which to work some culinary magic.

That week stretched into infinity. I picked a cherry here and I picked a cherry there. Almost ready. So sweet and juicy! Finally it was Friday and I was aquiver with excitment and anticipation. That day seemed like it would never end. J came home around 6 and I flew out the front door to share my excitement. A cherry lover himself (it's his fave fruit!), he was about as excited as I was. And that's saying alot - J isn't one for exuberant excitement.

As we stood on the front stoop admiring our fruit laden tree, I heard a faint noise in the distance. Sounded a bit like rain mixed with muffled shrieks and loud cries. The sound grew nearer and the sky began to grow dark. A massive flock of crows was flying in from who-knows-where - thousands upon thousands of them. We both looked at the sky in awe. What a sight!

But then, what was this? Like a jet fighter, the entire flock descended with precision and speed, straight to our front yard - a feather powered missile that scared the pants off me. I jumped to the door and started to scream - THE BIRDS! THE BIRDS! Visions of the Alfred Hitchcock thriller zipped through my imagination and left me about ready to pee my pants. I thought of our young son, asleep in his crib and wondered who would find him after our bloodied and lifeless bodies were found draped across the front porch. I covered my eyes to save them from being plucked out and waited for the inevitable... the roar was deafening and all around was the frightful cacophony of bird shrieks and wings flapping. Like a symphony composed by a madman. We waited...and waited... and then looked up to see...

Our cherry tree. Covered in every manner of crow. 80 bazillion crows to be precise. Crows from every corner of the globe. It was like the Annual Crow Convention. You could barely make out the tree from the black shadows that covered every square inch. It was awesome and bizarre. We couldn't look away.

For 3 minutes we watched and then suddenly, as one entity, the entire flock flew up and away. Cawing and shrieking as they made their way off to destinations unknown. We watched as they disappeared into the distance and then our eyes landed upon the cherry tree. Well, what used to be the cherry tree. Those cotton-picking crows had picked off and eaten every single last cherry. The tree was stripped bare. I kid you not - there was not ONE cherry left on the tree or the ground. In the space of less than 5 minutes, that finger of satan bird cloud had ruined every cherry pie, every cherry turnover, every cherry cheesecake dream that had been brewing in my head all spring.

I raised my fist to the sky and cursed crows far and wide. I shrieked in anger and stamped my feet in rage. I pounded my fists on the house walls and then collapsed to the stoop in an exhausted slump of overwhelming anger and defeat. As I sat there fuming I heard a sound...I looked up to see J, tears streaming down his face as he laughed as he'd never laughed before. He guffawed. He chuckled. He belly laughed and he slapped his knees as he bent over to breath. He was LAUGHING at me and the cherry tree catastrophe! HOW DARE HE!

J got no dinner that night. I locked myself in the bedroom and plotted revenge against all flying creatures whilst J sat out and called all our friends. Shrieking with laughter as he recounted the horrible events that had taken place that evening.

And so, there it is. The horrifying and tragic tale of the cherry tree. And those *@#$I(O#$ crows!!!

Labels: garden

On-the-Fritz

Thursday, June 28, 2007

We got a puppy! A teeny tiny black ball of curly poof that we promptly named Sir Drake Fritzwilliam. Fritz when he's being a good little puppy and doesn't need scolding. And SIR DRAKE FRITZWILLIAM when he's being uber-naughty or mischevious.

He was born on May 6, 2007 making his birthday 05-06-07. Easy enough to remember! His first vet appointment is next Monday so we'll find out how much he weighs. He's just a little guy though!

We first went to pick him up 2 weeks ago. The breeders said he was old enough to go but after bringing him home we realized he was NOT so we took him back and asked them to let him stay another week. He couldn't really eat and was trying to nurse on everything he came in contact with. A week later we went back to retrieve him and wow, what a difference in just 7 short days! He was considerably larger, more alert, and running around like a wind-up toy. He'd lost the young puppy "maggot" look and actually resembled a dog!

That was 5 days ago and he's grown even more and has really wormed his way into our hearts. He is so good about learning that he needs to be crated most of the day, with play and potty times every few hours. When you open the door, he bursts out and flies around the room, wagging his little tail so hard that he falls over. It's adorable! We had a problem with biting - he was walking around with his mouth open and trying to bite everything in his path. Those puppy teeth are mega-sharp!! But after some advice from a friend who's a vet tech, we began to yelp loudly when he would bite and then turn our backs on him. I figured this would take a few weeks to have an affect. Nopers! It's only been 2 days since we started and he's already quit biting any person - he won't even mouth us now. Totally swell! He's just a bit nicer to hold now that his mouth isn't weaving about looking for something to CHOMP down on.

I'll be taking some more photos shortly and you can be sure I'll be posting them. He's just too cute not to share with the world!

Next post - Fritz goes for a walk on his new harness. Which, by the way, is SO cute, I could nearly die from the sugar-rush of it all. He learns really quick, our Fritz. And of course, he's the world's most perfect puppy. Ever!

the iPhone rant

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I hate the iPhone. Yes, it's true. That piece of overpriced plastic and computer components is driving me nuts.

Since the moment it was announced there are some in the house who are typically very level-headed and intelligent that have suddenly and unexpectedly turned into obsessive lunatics. I swear if I hear anything more about the iPhone, I'm going to snap big time.

If it's not the constant chatter about the phone, then it's the 80 gazillion posts on the iPhone forum. And when it's not that, then it's making a huge deal out of pointing out the lack of an iPhone and how it will help in everyday life. ARGH.

There are the moments of pulling the iPhone out of the pocket to look up a movie time. Then the iPhone is held sideways to show how one can view websites. Can't find your iPod? My iPhone will play the music! And just look at how I can use it to send mail! (while I'm driving down the freeway at 85mph). And wow! no need for that bulky digital camera any longer - my iPhone will take photos! Oooo... it's so pretty. It's so sexy. Sleek. I love it so....

And OMG!! LIke, I just discovered that it will dial out for pizza if your blood sugar gets too low AND it also plugs itself in when the battery is dying. :shock:

...cue meltdown of the spouse required to listen to this day and night for months on end...

I'd LOVE to get an iPhone. Just so I can immediately take it out into the driveway and run it over, smash it with a hammer, toss it into the pool for a quick dip and then flambe it over the super hot gas grill in the backyard. It's got one set of flames that runs super-nova hot - just PERFECT for this.

This thing is a hunk of overpriced junk - $600. Are you kidding me?! Is it a phone or a down-payment on a new house? I could purchase a nearly new iBook for that amount of money. And that doesn't even address the pathetic plans that AT&T has to offer. We're currently on Verizon because *every single* member of both of our families is using them. That makes 95% of our calls FREE. No charge. Zero money. But with AT&T, nothing like this. The plan we'd need to cover the number of minutes we'd be using is scary high. More than we pay now for 2 phones.

We also have a wireless broadband card that gets kickin' speeds in the major cities and pretty decent speeds even in the middle of Nowhere, UT. What does the iPhone have to offer? Wow! They are offering speeds that are HALF of what we can achieve in the cities and zippo zilch in Nowhere, UT. I'm such a fool - this is a GREAT deal and I should be all over it. What am I thinking?!

So, with our 2 lines and the card with Verizon, we'll have a very minor early termination fee. Just $175 per line. NO big deal. Let's add that to the $600+tax for the cost of the phone and the $99 monthly fee we'll need to make sure we'll have enough minutes and we're looking at a super duper cheap $2325 for the first year. Woot!

But wait - where does that leave me? I don't have a phone now. Hmm...guess I should start looking at AT&T's site for my own phone. Let's conservatively say that this will run me $100. Now we'll need a family plan, but not one with barely any minutes. I'm so NOT paying for overages. Looks like this is $120 mo. What's this make our total for the year? $2665. YES! Where do I sign up?!

Of course, we're in podunk Washington for the summer and AT&T doesn't get signal out here, so we'll not be able to use the phones or the internet. I guess I don't need to go to the lake and enjoy my summer with everyone else. I'll stay home where I'm guaranteed to have internet so I can work. The Verizon card works marvelously at the lake, but pooh on that. It's not an iPhone! Definitely having the iPhone is going to make all the sacrifice worthwhile.

We'd better look at insurance. $600 is a mighty hefty amount to have to replace when the phone is dropped into the toilet (don't ask). I wonder how much that is? And will it cover brief toilet sojourns?

Don't get me wrong - I'm a huge Apple fan, but this phone is just too much for me to handle. I'm considering having my eyes and ears surgically removed (ie: I'm going to gouge my eyes out with a cereal spoon and set off firecrackers in my ears) so I can no longer see or hear about this obsession. Of course that will only work if I don't then learn sign-language. I can guess what the first thing I'd be told is...

iPhone widows of the world... holy dog poo! How did I miss this?! AT&T is charging an activation fee as well! Bahahahaha. Wahaha. Amazement. It's not enough that the cost of the phone is like a sizeable car payment and the monthly fees are like being financially raped, now they are charging you just to activate the stupid thing. Honestly, I can't take much more.

Anyone want to take over our Verizon plan and phones? In this instance, I give in. This iPhone is a force I cannot fight against any longer.

I wonder how many relationships have been changed by this phone...